Why I Cry at Yoga

Why I cry at Yoga

Yoga is one of the things I had at the top of my “to do” list when I retired. I wanted to try it, learn it, and eventually get good at it. I knew that it was a great workout for both my body and mind. The element of meditation to yoga was really important to me. Meditation, in and of itself, never really worked for me. My attempts at mediation were too much like the inner dialog that Elizabeth Gilbert describes in her book Eat, Pray, Love. This is one of my very favorite parts of the book because it rang so true for me. If you haven’t read the book by now you must do so. I have great difficulty shutting my mind down so this adventure into yoga was not going to be easy for me on several fronts. As a matter of fact, the last time I was at yoga and we were in Savasana (the completely relaxed pose laying on your back sometimes called corpse pose) I kept thinking about this post and things I needed to remember to tell you.

I have been going to yoga on Tuesday’s, Thursday’s, and sometimes Saturday’s as regularly as possible. If I’m in town, I get up and drive myself to the 8:30am class.

The first few classes are about picking your perfect spot, at least they were for me, and yes I am a creature of habit. If I show up to class and my carefully selected “perfect” spot is taken it throws me off balance. Then I remember that this adventure is about mind and body healing so I breathe and find a new spot. Most of the time I am able to let it go…..I do think this is progress for me :).  Another thing I struggle with is people showing up late. Tardiness is a pet peeve of mine so this interruption to my concentration has been difficult for me not to say something out loud and/or settle back down into trying to clear my mind.

We always begin the class by setting our intention for the session. Part of that is understanding why you showed up on your mat that day and what you want to accomplish in your practice. Being the “A type” personality I am, of course I want to over achieve and be perfect in every pose, end the class rejuvenated and feeling ready for my day.

The next sentence is usually something like “stay present and let go of anything that had your attention that morning. Press your body into the mat and focus on your breathing. Giving this time for you, your health, and well-being”.

“Deep Inhales and exhales, notice the rise and fall of your chest. Move deeper into the breath. Lengthen and expand the inhales and deepen the exhales”

Then Deana, our teacher, starts with the affirming sayings that go on throughout the session. Her voice is melodic and soothing.

“You are the only person you need to be good enough for”

“You right here, right now, are enough”

As our practice begins we are to “connect the movement to the breath” and “soften the face, soften the shoulders”. Keeping our minds present.

Then we begin a series of movements called “Sun Salutation” which is meant to warm up the body. It’s important that I take you through the movements so I can make my next point.

Breathe in as your arms are swept up from your sides to above your head in what is called Tall Mountain

Bend at the hip and fold bringing your head as close to your thighs as possible – Forward Fold

Lift your body halfway up bringing your back to a 90 degree angle from your legs – Halfway Lift

Place your hands on the mat, step the feet back and lower into – Plank

Lower slowly to the mat, using your arms to lower your body – Four Limbed Staff Pose

Arch your back and straighten your arms – Up Dog

Push your hips back and in the air keeping your hands and feet on the floor – Down Dog

Step the feet up – Forward Fold

Inhale and sweep the arms – Tall Mountain

So now you are back to the top of the series of movements, which is either Tall Mountain or Forward Fold. There are many variations and more poses that can be added to Sun Salutation but this is the series we typically do in class. NOW REPEAT…… 5 or more times. My point is that this is not a warm up for my body, it is an all-out assault on my strength and psyche. I start to sweat after the first 2 series of poses and by the time we hit the third round my arms give out in Down Dog so I have to resort to what is called Childs pose. If you don’t know yoga this is where you sit back on your feet, stretch your arms above your head, palms down, and rest your forehead on the mat. This is my favorite pose and I find myself here often.

During our many rounds of Sun Salutations she will throw in more affirmations.

“You are the only one who can limit your greatness, remember you are enough”

“Contentment is not complacency”

“Much of our suffering comes from the thoughts of I’m not where I should be, I need to be better, I’m afraid of losing the good thing I have now, or I’m not as good as I used  to be. All of these thoughts are restless thoughts that rob us of the sweetness of the here and now. Know today, that your practice is enough….you are enough”.

I won’t go through all of the poses in class but the next section is another that I feel is important to talk about.

Leg lifts and lunges. From the Down Dog position lift the right leg and let it hang over the hips, then knee to nose chin to chest, stretch it out, knee to right elbow, stretch it out, knee to left elbow, twist, stretch it out. Are you kidding me…..I can’t hold myself up in Down Dog after 5 Sun Salutations…. and you want me to do leg lifts? I usually try it and more often than not I topple over, so I do this series of leg movements from a table top position. Of course you repeat the movements on the left side. A few times during the series you step your foot in between your hands for a low lunge and maybe even lift up to a crescent lunge where your hand come up above your head. Then you are back into leg lifts and Down Dog or in my case Table Top.

Now come the balance poses on one foot and then the other, Squats both flat footed and on tip toes. It goes on with more affirmations thrown in.

“Whatever your body is giving you today is enough”

“Get rid of the Labels we carry and be here for you”

“Don’t let your mind bully your body”

“You are strong enough, you are pretty enough…..you are enough”

“Say goodbye to your fears and doubts and marry your hopes and dreams”

Towards the end of class comes a pose called Blissful Baby while on your back you grab ahold of the outside of your feet and bring your legs and arms wide. If you call tuck your elbows into the inside of the knees……This is blissful?

Finally we get to my favorite part of class.

Savasana – laying down completely relaxed. Softening the brow, unclenching the jaw, lips slightly part, softening the tongue, relax arms all the way down to the finger tips. Softening the belly, legs become heavy and fall deep into the mat, feel each muscle loosen its grip on your bones. Allow the body to float as is, observing each inhale and exhale then silence….amazing, much needed, silence for what feels like an eternity but it is actually about 2 minutes

We end the class by moving into the Fetal pose and thinking of 3 things you are grateful for as Deana says

“I send myself love”

“I send love to someone else who needs it”

Move to a seated position, inhale arms up bringing our hands together, exhale bringing your hands to your forehead for peaceful thoughts, to your mouth for peaceful words, to your heart for peaceful actions……Namaste.

So why do tears sometimes flow at yoga?

It depends on the day really. Sometimes it is the realization that I will not be perfect at these poses right away as my “Type A” personality wants and that it is ok to do what I can that day. Or the affirmations strike a chord in me and make me realize that I need to take better care of myself or stop the self-criticism and be “enough”. The affirmations change with each class so where I am in my day, feelings, life, may just perfectly coincide with what is said.

Yoga has been a healing, positive experience and I feel that I do learn something in every class. I get better with each pose each time I try, I show grace to the people to take my “perfect” spot, I forgive the late arrivals that interrupt my concentration, and I feel great for doing something for me.